I have a problem. Ok. I have several problems, but the one I wanted to share today is this. I punish myself. If I mess up I feel like I deserve the worst for it. It doesn’t matter what it is. Sin. Anger. Offense. If I blew it I think I should pay. It’s one of the reasons I tend to be gracious in my relationships. I have a definitive handle on how much I need grace.

At any rate, I’m beginning to see this place of brokenness in my 7 year old son. If he doesn’t succeed at something he feels the failure deeply. If he mistreats a friend he’ll beat himself up for it. Just this last Thursday he asked Misty to punish him for being mean to a friend. We told him a simple apology would do (it was a small thing) but he was sure he deserved punishment. It broke my heart.

There are times as a Dad that are joyous. Thursday wasn’t one of those days. I wept on the way home as I saw this broken place in my son so clearly. I prayed and called my Dad to ask for prayer and wisdom. When I got home my son and I had a heart to heart.

I told my little man that my love for him was unconditional and that I wanted to help him navigate this emotional minefield. He told me I was going to make him cry and I told him it was ok. We talked for about 15 minutes about being able to recover for mistakes and being able to receive grace. At the end of that time I held him and prayed over him.

I cried openly asking God to heal the brokenness in my buddy and asking him to help me be a great Dad. Judah hugged me and was clearly uncomfortable with the fact I was crying that way. At the end of my prayer he squeezed me tight me and said “Daddy don’t cry”. I told him I was ok and he said “I was really worried you were going to get water on my hair while you were praying”.

I love having a 7 year old boy. Never a dull moment.

So this is my 100th post. It feels like I’ve done a lot more but the numbers don’t lie. It’s odd that this would happen today. I’m going to go ahead and say that this will be one of my most vulnerable posts I’ve written.

It’s been one heck of a week. (my more liberal brothers and sisters can feel free to substitute an alternate work for heck) I went on Monday to visit my Mom in the hospital. She’s been battling cancer (I refuse to capitalize that word) for right at 2 years now. It’s been an amazing journey of learning to see God’s hand in the little things in life.

Then today I got the call that a long time, close friend is dealing with another type of cancer. He’s angry. Trusting. But angry. And I can’t blame him. Ed’s not much older than me. I cried for him and his family after I got the news. Just closed the door to my office and cried. I’m crying now. Life is so precious. I’m beginning to understand more about why King David described life as a “vapor”.

To be honest, it’s a bit overwhelming at times. Knowing that this life is temporary and it will be over often before we want it to be. This season of my life is not easy. I’ve thought about how old my kids might be when it’s my time to go. Wondered about why I haven’t done more things of significance and wondered if I ever truly would.

You see, I want to live a life that matters. But days like today make it difficult to find that pulse. When you see the world of those you love flipped on it’s ear it’s a jarring thing. (not nearly as jarring as what they are going through to be sure) The perspective I’m gaining is that I HAVE TO GET BUSY DOING WHAT I’M CREATED TO DO.

Maybe you’re like me and can’t find that thing. Maybe there’s a persistent deficiency that haunts you. For me it’s lack of discipline and self worth. I get hung up on my shortcomings and rarely celebrate my longcomings. (i just made that word up. my creative moment of the day) But you know what…in the end I want my life to count and I know you do to. What can we do to get busy living? How can I harness the impact of this season and the weight of today into forward momentum? If anyone has the answers, please let me know. Because I’m trying to find them and the view’s a little hazy through my tears.

Many of you probably saw my friend Mike Craig sitting with me at church this week. Mike is like a brother to me. Scratch that, he is my brother. I’m exactly a month and a day older than him and enjoy telling people that I’ve known Mike his entire life. I was thinking on the value of his friendship and what it means to me. That made me think of a mutual friend of ours, Walt Smith, as he’s the third of this trio of brothers. (there’s more guys who are like brothers to me, but trio works better for this story)

It dawned on me that Walt wouldn’t have been my friend if Mike hadn’t led him to Jesus. Talking with Mike about it, I found out that he told Walt on his side porch that he “was going to hell if he didn’t come to OUR church”. While Mike’s theology might have needed some work in our younger years, Mike’s willingness to reach out didn’t just change Walt’s life but mine as well. Walt is a great friend. Always ready to go the extra mile to show he cares for me and my family. The first to apologize in a fight and the last to hold a grudge.

I don’t have many friends like Walt. Most people will unfortunately go their whole life without a friend like him. Many times I look at evangelism as only a means to get people into heaven or connect them to Jesus, but I was hit this weekend with the fact that Mike’s act of personal evangelism had a huge impact on my life. I have another member of my family, because Mike cared enough to reach beyond himself and tell Walt about Jesus. Personal evangelism changes more lives than the one you’re evangelizing. Whose world could you change today through personal evangelism?

Friday night we were headed out to see some fireworks in a boat with some friends. About 30 minutes before the show was supposed to start we saw lightning flashing and a storm start rolling in. As we tried to get home the rain started pelting down. My son was a little afraid so I held him close to me. He told me he was scared and I told him that he was in the safest place to be. I asked him if he’d ever been hurt when Daddy was holding him. He said no.

When we got home, I shared with my kids that no matter what the circumstances surrounding them were, my arms were the safest place they could be. The spiritual parallel came clearly to me. No matter what is swirling around us, when we are in the arms of Daddy; it’s the safest place to be.

One of the great joys of my life is being a Dad. I love being with my kids and especially love when we get an opportunity to talk about the real way God interacts with His children. The other week, my son was forgetting a part of a verse we’ve been praying through every night. I told him that Jesus said the Holy Spirit would help him remember everything that Jesus taught us and had him ask the Holy Spirit for the word. Immediately he said “compassion” with this big look of surprise on his face.

A couple of days later, I was talking to my kids, 4 and almost 7, about hearing God speak to us. I used my son’s example from a couple of days earlier and I was encouraging them to ask the Holy Spirit to speak to them in prayer, give them direction etc. My four year old interrupted me to tell me that she already knew that God wanted to talk to her. She learned it in Sunday School. (big shout out to our 4 year old teachers!) So I asked her if she’d ever heard God speak. Here’s how the conversation played out:

Mercy: Oh yeah.
Me: What does he sound like?
Mercy: Daddy. He sounds just like you.
Me: (muffled sound…trying not to cry)

My wife and I have always hoped to be the kind of parents that our kids would grow up to say, if God is like Mommy and Daddy, then I want to know Him. We’ve also prayed that they would far exceed us in all things pertaining to life and Godliness. Here’s believing that these are just the first in a long line of confirmations that they are well on their way.