how to handle a friend’s affair

I read the post yesterday and didn't comment because it is such a "red-letter" topic. But of course, I had to return today to see what the posts were. How do you even know about the affairs? Who told you? I would think if you are close enough friends to be told about the affair, then you are close enough to hold them accountable. I TOTALLY agree w/ Mike P and think "loving them back to where they need to be" is the way to go. Knowing and calling someone out on their SIN is one thing, but then showing them love and compassion in their SIN is taking it a step further towards Christ, not banishing them to the realm of darkness...which probably got them there in the first place. And lastly, where is the spouse in all this? Yes, the one having the affair is sinning and should be held accountable, but so should the spouse. At what point did the marriage disintegrate from one back to two? I'm just asking because the role of "victim" is placed on one person and not the other. They are both victims and need to be loved and held accountable as such. Just my thoughts...

Adam, I had lunch with a friend several years ago that asked for my confidence about a matter. I agreed and then they proceeded to give me information that was detrimental to our small group. The dilemma then is when is it OK to break the silence and make a private matter more public. To add to the pressure is the burden of certain information when it is recklessly placed on believers and especially pastors when we are made aware of things (usually in the form of prayer requests).

Adam, I had lunch with a friend several years ago that asked for my confidence about a matter. I agreed and then they proceeded to give me information that was detrimental to our small group. The dilemma then is when is it OK to break the silence and make a private matter more public. To add to the pressure is the burden of certain information when it is recklessly placed on believers and especially pastors when we are made aware of things (usually in the form of prayer requests). I know that in counselling, there are reasons to break confidences: 1) If it endangers one's life. 2) If it endangers the individuals life. Using these two premises in a very moral manner, adultery endangers the life of a partner (physically), endangers the marriage, the family name, the church reputation, and affects fellowship, and mutual friendships. I guess I'm saying, if they were a complete stranger and I found out, I'd find a way to have a conversation with them. I'd feel obligated to hurt their feelings, possibly endanger our friendship, and do whatever it takes to get their attention. I'd be nice at first, but would have no problem being extreme either. I honestly feel that marriage itself is a "life" or a "on flesh" covenant. So, to me it's black and white, life and death of God's most precious design. I feel that the burden of information alone is enough of a sign that God wants me to act, unless he says no, I think YES. But again, I'm wired like an apostle, so I don't mind being extremely blunt and in your face. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

I know that if it was me you would personally drive to L-town and kick my... You know, Adam, I hesitate to answer because I believe that what I'll say will add nothing to the conversation that you haven't already thought of, but, how could I not participate in a convo that hits so deeply? My answer to the question: How would you handle it if friends from your past starting doing things that destroyed their marriage and witness? Would you friend them on your social networks and pretend like nothing had or was happening? Would you call them out privately? Would you ignore them altogether? It depends on my current relationship... do I have any foundation in this relationship to actually stand on? If so, I will utilize every bit of that foundation to help. If not, I would probably try to re-establish communication. For me this doesn't always work because I am a known preacher to most from my past - therefore, most have already made up their mind about me. At that point it depends on their view of pastors (even "cool" ones like myself ;-) I guess the question I need to ask myself more often is, "how can I love them back to the place they need to be?" God, help us to be the witness these people need in their time of struggle and blindness. Love you, buddy. My recent post Sunday Nite (on a Tuesday Morning)

I was great friends with a couple about 12 yrs ago and my wife and I suspected while he was out of town in corporate training for a couple of months that a close friend of theirs may have been at the house a little too often for comfort. Turns out this began an affair that lasted awhile and I often wonder if I had confronted them/him/her early on, if their marriage would have survived. In some ways I feel responsible. I kept thinking during that time that I didn't want to be the guy that raised his hand incorrectly and accused someone of something that wasn't true and how would I feel. In retrospect, I should have been that guy but it wouldn't have been easy....

It is a difficult question. I think first we need to honestly evaluate the nature of the original friendship. If you were close that is one thing but if you were just acquaintances then you have to re-think. In general I say we don't get in people faces (in love of course) enough. I mean, where would the Bible be if Paul wasn't willing to call people out for wrong doing? Most of the people who read Paul's original letters may have known him, but how many where really close friends at one time? Probably not many, but no matter the relationship he loved them enough to write to them. On the other hand most of the time he was writing to a group of people, so no one was singled out. There is no question these old friends need a kick in the pants, and probably a lot of healing and prayer, but the question is are you the right person to reach out to them? I think God is the only one who can answer that.

If they are a close friend and someone I keep in contact with regularly, I would talk to them privately. I've had conversations with real friends where I had to say "I love you to pieces and you may never ever never ever want to talk to me again after I tell you this...but...." They understand I love them and I'm coming to them out of love and concern. Not to judge and condemn. Besides...I'm kinda blunt all the time anyway. Tact is a skill I'm learning! If it is someone who I really don't have a relationship with or close contact with, I would just tell them I'm lifting them up in prayer and offer to be there to talk to if they want or need to. If they open the door and ask my opinion..that's all I need to go forth! I would make the difference in handling the two situations because your friend who you have a relationship understands where you are coming from even if they do get upset with you for saying what you have to say. If it is just someone who you speak with once in a blue moon, you may actually risk pushing them away if you come at them hard like you would a close friend. This thing about infidelity scares me. I will be married in about 5 months. I have never seen a faithful marriage in my family. I have nothing to go off of except for the godly example set by couples in my church and the foundation I have in Christ. I am scared, happy, and excited all at the same time. I personally don't think I could handle it if my husband were to cheat on me. Just gonna trust God to lead and guide us and bless us with a happy marriage.

How long have you known some of these people? I don't know if I'd call them out via a Facebook Message, but what I'd do is talk to them, if you know them well. Just take them out to coffee and call them out in love. My 2 cents.