seeing my weaknesses passed on

Yesterday my son did something we’d just discussed not doing the day before. We’ve told him that he can’t google or youtube anything without us there and without asking permission. Well during rehearsal he drifted to my office and decided to google something  completely innocuous. He didn’t realize until he saw me again that he’d been disobedient and broken the rules.

Initially I asked why he did it after discussing it just yesterday and I let him know I was going to follow through with my consequences I had laid out previously for him. As I watched the anguish, guilt and shame he was obviously feeling I couldn’t help but feel that I was looking at an 8 year old version of me. I finally asked his sister and mom to step out and sat him down for a heart to heart.

I told him that I knew EXACTLY how he felt. I told him I didn’t know how to help but I desperately wanted to. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the times I’ve blown it in that exact way. He had no thought about it being wrong at the time. He only realized his gaffe after it was done. I told him about saying ‘I’m going to bed early this week’ only to remember it when my head hit the pillow at 2AM. Or the commitment to eat healthy and not remember until that Resees’ Egg was halfway gone or fasting sodas only to remember after that 2nd Coke at lunch.

You see, what crushes me as a dad is seeing my weaknesses passed on. I’m praying for ways to give my kids a leg up and a knowledge that they’re not the only ones who struggle. I want them to know they are accepted, loved and never alone. And I want them to be better than me.  In every imaginable way.